The Toxicity Behind People Pleasing
- April C
- May 4, 2025
- 4 min read
Introduction
Picture this: you are someone who wants everyone to be happy and to like you. You want to be everyone’s best friend, so you become everyone’s therapist due to people-pleasing. You fear expressing your boundaries because you don’t want people to dislike you. However, you end up ignoring your feelings and constantly feel drained, thus feeling resentful of the people you feel caused this.
Here’s the thing… It isn’t their fault.
They aren’t aware of your boundaries because you never properly communicated them. They have no idea and expect that you are okay with constantly being their emotional support bear. By avoiding the discussion of boundaries, you are letting them step over you, and in the end, you’ll demonize them and blame them for your burnout.
Contrary to popular belief, people-pleasing isn’t being “too nice”. It’s actually what’s causing many friendships and relationships to break. If it’s toxic, why do people still do it?
What is People Pleasing
People-pleasing is a behaviour that describes individuals who prioritize others’ needs over theirs to please them. They face challenges that often include having a struggle recognizing their hobbies and interests and what they truly want. One of the star struggles is the difficulty to say “no” to others due to the fear of being disliked.
Now that you have grasped the idea of people-pleasing, what exactly causes it?
According to PsychCentral, there are two possible factors that cause people-pleasing.
Trauma Response
Trauma is one of the largest factors that can cause people-pleasing. When stuck in a stressful situation, there’s the fight, flight, or freeze response. However, some may experience a response called “fawning” where they try to appease the threat to maintain approval of others.
Emotional Dependence
Another factor that causes people-pleasing is the need for emotional dependency. People who have starved of their psychological needs have the craving to satisfy them within close relationships. They may avoid feeling alone and please people to get the person to stay with them.
Other Factors
While PsychCentral does not state any factors, there are definitely more. Some include low self-esteem or the pressure to meet others’ expectations.
While in the end, it seems that people appease others to get approval, it actually does more harm than good. Not just for themselves, but for others too.
The Harsh Truth
People-pleasing doesn’t mean you’re a saint. A lot of people misinterpret it as “being too nice”, and “being altruistic”. However, it’s actually toxic.
People with a people-pleasing mindset tend to victimize themselves. “Oh, I’ve been doing so much for them”. They subconsciously think, “I’m such a good person”.
Stop right there, ignoring your boundaries and not communicating does not make it a good deed.
“But I’m afraid of confrontation”.
No one likes confrontation. You’re not afraid, you just don’t have the skill for it. What actually makes it a fair relationship is when all parties communicate their boundaries and feelings to each other instead of talking behind each other’s back. A lot of this people-pleasing actually causes people to talk badly about each other to others but, what’s the use of that? You should be communicating with the person you’re angry at. In the end, communicating your boundaries is YOUR job. If they ignore it, leave it, if they respect them, that’s wonderful.
“I feel too bad”.
You’re only making things worse for them in the end. If you really truly want to be empathetic, understand their perspective. They would want to hear your boundaries. If you truly want to be a thoughtful person and an enjoyable person to be around, communicating makes you a leader and a confident person. That’s the traits you need to be comfortable and happy in life and that’s all it matters. You matter so you should focus on yourself.
How?
People can’t just stop right away. It takes time, courage, and support. However, the sooner you realize, the better it is. Instead of being so caught up with life, just live it. Understand what YOU want and set limits so others don’t pass your personal bubble. Do some mindfulness practices, practice self-care, and honestly, hang out with the people who truly make you feel the most authentic.
What exactly do you want? In the end, if someone hates you for speaking your boundaries, that just shows they aren’t the right person for you. It’s good that you know now because later, you’ll only be hurt by them. Instead of thinking idealistically, “oh they can change”, or “oh but I think they’re actually nice”. Stop. It doesn’t matter who they are. It matters how you FEEL. Not everyone is right for each other and that’s what you need to understand. That’s a skill. The skill of letting the right people in your life.
If you keep having these people where you have clearly unhealthy relationships with or you just don’t feel right with them… then STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. I’m not saying just block them, tell them first. Speak about your feelings. However, if you really don’t want to, it’s okay to block someone. You have the right to cut someone out of your life.
Conclusion
You are not a bad person for people-pleasing, morality isn’t black or white. You people-please because you are human and we all have flaws. It’s about acknowledging our flaws and working to heal ourselves to create security and confidence. Learn the truth and toxicity behind people-pleasing so you can stop making excuses for yourself.
“I can’t do this.”“It’s just my problem.”
“I’m just too broken.”
If you say this,then you are working against yourself. You need to create trust in yourself and work FOR yourself, not against it. Stop justifying your people-pleasing, and understand that you’re just setting yourself up for failure with this toxic mindset. Understand and heal because you’ll soon learn that this makes you live more comfortably and happier.
References
Psychology of people pleasers. (2020, January 24). Psych Central.
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